If you can't say anything nice...

I was just chatting with Ben (well, texting with him really since he's actually at work tonight) and we realized that it was exactly one year ago that he relinquished command of the 66th Military Police Company. Wow... at the time I thought that command would never end! The late nights at work, middle-of-the-night phone calls, never ending disasters and countless hours of work. I am so proud of my husband for the job that he did as the Commander of the Fightin' Double Six!

Looking back on it now I think that the 19 crazy months of command time were just training for the chaos we have had since then. In the past year we have endured failed adoptions, a deployment, a PCS (permanent change of station), multiple serious illnesses, a very broken vehicle, a whole lot of craziness with the house that we are renting (sewage backed up into our yard for weeks, wasps and fleas in the house, mold issues...) along with some other things that I'd rather not share. It has been one wild ride over the past year and I have to say that I'm hoping that it is over!

After dealing with a whole lot of health issues over the past few months I am really happy to say that I am finally starting to feel like myself again! Which is a huge relief to me and I'm sure that it has to be a relief to my family as well, especially Hunter since he is done with school now so he's stuck with me all day! Ha!

I certainly don't want to sound like I am whining or complaining, what I really want to say is that life is hard. Really hard! And it is so easy to let it get the best of us sometimes. While I don't yet know what God has in store for us, I know that we haven't been drug though the muck and endured all of the trials of the past year simply so that we can give up. Before we entered this year of chaos I completed a Bible study on the book of James that seriously changed my life. I have never been so challenged as I was during this study and so it only seems appropriate to turn to James 1:2-4;

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 

because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. 

Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

I want to consider all of these trials to be joys. I really do. And it is NOT easy. God has surely been working in me, and in Ben as well, to produce perseverance. I can't wait for perseverance to finish it's work, mostly because I am tired, but also because I want to be complete. I want to know what it feels like to not lack anything. And although I am certain that on this side of heaven we will never be free from trials because we will never be complete, I am trying to be content knowing that all of the trials and tribulations in this life are for our own maturation and so that we can be complete. That makes my heart so happy. 

 Complete:

all, entire, exhaustive, faultless, full, hook line and sinker, intact, integral, integrated, lock stock and barrel, outright, plenary, replete, the works, thorough, unabbreviated, unabridged, unbroken, , uncut, undiminished, undivided, unimpaired, unitary, unreduced, whole, whole enchilada, whole nine yards

I ache to be complete. And until I am I will do my best to consider it joy when I face the inevitable trials of life - or at the very least I will stick to what my mom taught me:

"If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all"

Love you all, and thanks for reading my ramblings!

E

Phew!

Well, our seven day, seven food fast is over! Before I share some of the amazing realizations that I came to let me just tell ya... it was downright heavenly to put some cream in my coffee this morning! Which just proves to me exactly how spoiled I really am.

It was really more of a challenge than I ever would have anticipated to eat just seven foods for a whole week. Especially for a girl like me who loves to cook and to eat! But boy does God teach us some amazing lessons when we begin to cut the excess and simplify our lives. Now, that doesn't mean that I am going to continue to just eat a few different foods. I'm pretty sure that's not the point of this at all. But, it really did teach me just how much excess we really have and how entitled we feel. It's humbling to realize that although it doesn't feel like it sometimes (thank you media, for your willingness to participate in making me think that I always need MORE) but we are so immensely blessed here in America! We have truly been given so much. And yet...

From everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded; 

and from the one who has been entrusted with much, much more will be asked.

Luke 12:48b

Ouch. How often I forget that I don't need more, I need to GIVE more. It is so easy to be caught up in the idea that we need more and more in order to be happy. I know that I am so guilty of it. It is so humbling to consider the idea that the more blessings we are given, the more God will demand of us. And boy do I feel blessed! Which means that God will be asking me to account for what I have done with the blessings he has poured out on me. I really need to do some praying and keep cutting the excess!

On a somewhat unrelated note, last week we found out that my sweet hubby made the promotion list (so proud of this man of mine!), but more importantly we will be able to attend the resident ILE (don't ask me what it stands for, I just know that it's the school he has to go to when he promotes to Major) course! Which is awesome news for our family since it means that we will get to spend about a year at Fort Leavenworth, Kansas. Here's the catch; we will have to report there in either January or June of 2014. Which is exactly either 9 or 15 months from now. Eek! Yet another move in a short time. Of course, a huge perk is that Ben won't have to deploy during all of that time so I'm incredibly grateful for that. Twenty-eight months in Afghanistan (plus countless months apart for training, etc.) makes me grateful for every minute that we get to spend as a family. 

So, all of this to say that we are certain that God is not calling us to foster-adoption here in Arkansas. The timeline would be impossible at best. And although we know that our God is a God of miracles, we really feel that it is not in his will for us to pursue that option here. Because of the fact that we will only be in Kansas for around a year, it's pretty certain that we won't have the opportunity to foster-adopt there either. But we are keeping our eyes and ears open for any opportunities that may come our way. While we don't yet feel called to pursue international adoption, we certainly aren't going to close that door yet, and we know that if God has called us to adopt then he will provide a way. His ways are so much better than ours, and his timing is always perfect! In the meantime we are truly enjoying just spending time as a family again and having lots of fun. Ben works quite a few weekends at this new job, and will be doing quite a bit of traveling as well, but we are very intentionally guarding the time that we do have together. After the craziness of company command followed by a deployment we know just how important it is to have time together. And right now is the perfect time for it since we know that our time here is limited so neither of us are too interested in getting over involved. 

Finally, I want to ask you all for some prayers for a very dear friend of mine who is battling leukemia for the second time. She has a sweet, three year old daughter who has never known anything other than her mommy being sick and it breaks my heart. This week she was rushed back to the ER and diagnosed with meningitis which is scary even without the leukemia and chemo! Please, please be praying for healing for her and for strength for all of her family as well. They will certainly appreciate all of the prayers!!!

O Lord my God, I cried to You and You have healed me.

Psalm 30:2

 

An experiment in excess

So, once again I am using this blog for something other than it's intended purpose of chronicling our adoption story. Eh. I kinda figure since right now God is leading us to just BE STILL and wait on the adoption front, I may as well blog about what we do have going on. If you don't care, that's totally fine. And if you are still reading this, THANK YOU!

Last week a friend of mine invited me to join a book club. And not just any book club, this is the long distance book club {for awesome people}. Love it! How can you turn down an invitation like that?!? Anyway, I said yes right away, ordered my book, and now I'm beginning to wonder what I have gotten myself into this time. Heehee...

 So this book isn't just any old book. And this isn't any regular book club either. There are 36 (yes! 36!!!) amazing women from all walks of life that are in this thing together. The book that we are reading right now is 7 by Jen Hatmaker.

 

The idea is pretty simple - she examines seven areas where we tend to be excessive in an attempt to appreciate simplicity and grow in our faith. Sounds pretty harmless, right? Well, the first challenge involves food. Anyone who knows me well knows that I love to eat. Seriously. And that when it comes to food I really enjoy a good meal. But, for this week Ben and I have committed to eating just seven different foods.  Hunter gets a pass since it would be pretty horrible to make him participate in this fast, plus I don't want to deal with the whining. I'm pretty sure Ben and I will be whiny enough. 

Here's the list of foods that we decided on:

chicken

apples

broccoli

pasta

sweet potatoes

bread

eggs

Today is the first day of the "fast" and it hasn't been too bad. Yet. (Disclaimer: it's only 9 am) Along with those seven foods we are allowing small amounts of butter, salt and pepper. Oh, and coffee. Really, it would get pretty ugly around here if we didn't have any coffee. It's going to be a long week. But I am so anxious to see what God has in store for us as we struggle against the excess that we have come to accept as "normal."

One of the ladies in the group shared this and I thought it was pretty cool. Honestly, I'm not sure if this fast is  a fast of repentance for the fact that we are so blessed and need to pass on more blessings to others, cut the excess and be mindful that everything we have is God's and His alone. Or if it's a fast of worship, letting God know that we recognize His provision and His hand over our lives. Or if it's a fast of preparation - not sure what we are preparing for, but preparation is always good, right? Or maybe it's a fast of inquiry, wondering about what we are supposed to do next both concerning adoption or just in general. No matter what it ends up being, I'm excited to be in this awesome group and taking this journey.

Beautiful Storm

I'm sitting here, in my big, empty house, listening to the sounds of thunder and sleet. And it's beautiful. Not the house - it's a mess. But the silence and solitude are beautiful. Partly because it means that we are all HEALTHY again (praise Jesus! This tired mama needed a break!!!) and partly because it means that I can finally focus on more than just surviving.

This past month, well actually the past couple months, have been pretty trying. Dealing with pneumonia (me), costocondritis (Ben - seriously, who even knew that this existed?!?!) and then Hunter having some unknown awful infection has just been the icing on the cake. But in the end we have survived. It may not have been pretty, but we made it. And we are soooooooo looking forward to finally having some time together as a family. Which is also kind of ironic since just a month ago, after living together in a small hotel room for a week, we would have probably been singing a different tune. Boy does time change things!

I do realize that this blog started as a way to journal our adoption story. And as much as it stinks, right now I have no idea if and when that journey will continue. It's so crazy to think that things can change so quickly, but I guess that's just life. I think I may have mentioned this before (if I did please forgive me for repeating myself,) but we have done some research and it is pretty much impossible for us to pursue adopting from foster care here in Arkansas. Not that it's impossible to do, just that the amount of time that we anticipate being here isn't long enough to do all of the work that it will take to become eligible to adopt here. Unfortunately we would basically have to start over since we have a new house in a different state (so we would need a new home study), we don't have an AR state foster license, and the process is such that it just takes a while to complete. Disappointing? YES! But we were pretty much expecting it to be that way. And unfortunately there isn't a whole lot we can do since Ben doesn't really get much say in where and when we move.

That said, we are still open to the idea of adoption and certainly don't feel like it is an impossibility for our family! The best we can do for right now is just to be patient (see, there's that awful word again!) and wait for God's direction. There are so many lessons that I have learned during this whole process and one that keeps knocking me over is that I can't rush God's timing. Abraham and Sarah waited much longer than I have been waiting, and David was anointed 15 years before he took the throne. God's timing is so much better than ours and the more that I try to push things to happen in my time, the worse it goes. So instead I'm going to focus on all of the other blessings that I have, be content, and keep waiting to see what God has in store for the Feicht family! Who knows what may happen, but I am excited to watch God write our story so that when others hear it they know, without a doubt, that God was the author.

So today I am trying to just take a little time to focus on some of the little things that I have been neglecting while I was playing patient and nurse. Like the fact that I am the assistant director for a budding non-profit. And I have a 30 page IRS Application for Recognition of Exemption Under Section 501(c)(3) of the Internal Revenue Code packet that I need to be working on. And a few million loads of laundry. And some dishes. And a lunch date with some new friends. And... well, you get the point! It's not like there isn't anything to do!

Thank you all for all the prayers while we were moving, and sick! Our God is so much bigger than our problems and our disappointments. I am so grateful that HE is the one that directs our paths!

Love you all!

B, E & H

Be Still

So, Ben was released from the hospital yesterday afternoon (praise God!) but we don't really have any answers. Thankfully he is feeling a lot better, but I was selfishly hoping to have some answers so that we know if this is an ongoing issue or if it's just a one time thing!

The doctor indicated that it is most likely a viral thing (potentially the same thing that cause my pneumonia) which has caused some inflammation and fluid build up around his heart. There was also a slight abnormality on his EKG which most likely is no big deal, but the doctor wants to do more testing just to be certain that there isn't any underlying cause for the abnormality. We weren't able to get the echo cardiogram that we need to confirm this because the one tech that can do it is on vacation (oh the joys of living in a small town...) and we can't even get it scheduled because our insurance will only allow our primary doctor (who Ben hasn't even met) to schedule outpatient tests. Gotta love government insurance! Sigh...

So, I'm super glad to have Ben back home and feeling better, but still praying that we can at least figure out what is going on! One thing that I'm becoming more and more scared of is that there is something in this house that really is making us sick, or at least causing our immune systems to be much more susceptible to illness. I am going to be doing some testing for mold, though I'm really praying that there isn't any harmful mold in the house because from what I have read there is no law in Arkansas which protects us and quite honestly, there is no where else for us to rent. And I really don't want to be moving all our stuff AGAIN. On the other hand, we can't keep fighting off major illnesses like this for the duration of the time that we are stationed here!

One discovery we did make (while doing a quick search for mold in the house) is that our central heat & air system was running without a filter in it. AWESOME. The dirty (and I mean DIRTY) filter had been removed and set right next to the system, but hadn't been replaced. Soooo... this morning I ran to the local hardware store and bought the best filter they had. I also ordered some of the best possible filters online so that maybe, just maybe, we can start breathing some cleaner air around here! And just for fun (and because we really don't have anything better to be doing) our toilet isn't working properly. Sigh...

So, I guess the moral of the story is that God is just teaching us to BE STILL. 

 "Be still, and know that I am God; 

I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth. 

The LORD Almighty is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress." 

 Psalm 46:10-11

One of the things that really excited us about moving here to Arkansas was the ability to take life a little slower. We have been going a mile a minute for pretty much our entire marriage, and we were really hoping that this would be an opportunity to not worry about deployments, maybe not work quite as much, and just generally have the chance to be together as a family and live a little slower paced life than we had been. With all this sickness we certainly have been moving pretty slow! Though I am hoping to keep up with the slower pace and the simpler life, I am hoping that maybe we can move past the sickness and instead simply be slow and obedient. I want to be still. I want to see God exalted in our lives. We know that He is with us, even through all of the trials, but I want it to be plain to those around us that God is exalted in our home and I want to be still enough that we can hear his voice and have the time to be obedient to whatever it is that He may call us to do.

Thank you for the prayers, we really appreciate it. And we are so blessed to have so many faithful friends who love us even through all of the difficulties. We want to be able to return that favor and be a blessing to those around us!

Love you all,

B, E & H

Prayers, please!

Friends,

I really was trying to keep this blog *mostly* adoption related, but I know that there are lots of prayer warriors out there reading this and I need your help!

If you read my last post I mentioned that I had some kind of crud. Turns out that crud was pneumonia and it knocked me down hard. It's been about two and a half weeks and I am finally feeling better, though I still have a pretty wicked cough. Yesterday after church Ben asked me to drive home because he wasn't feeling well (if you know my husband you know that this is a HIGHLY unusual request - he always drives!) By the time we got home he was extremely dizzy and having chest pains. So off we went to the ER. I need to quickly mention that in our 8 years of marriage neither one of us has gone to a Dr. for any type of illness, let alone pneumonia and an ER trip!!! Anyway, Ben had to stay overnight at the hospital and they are still trying to figure out exactly what is going on. They have ruled out the possibility of a heart attack (thank God!) but that doesn't really give us any answers. He is feeling much better, but that is mostly due to the medication that he has been given. They have run lots of different tests and right now the theory is that it could be a viral thing that is causing swelling and inflammation around his heart. We are waiting to have some more tests done to see if they can find any swelling.

Please be praying for us. This has been a TOUGH month or two. Between the redeployment, moving and now all of this sickness we are just worn out and worn down. It really feels like we are being attacked in every possible way and so we need all of you to be praying for us to get through this quickly and triumphantly!!!

Hunter has been SUCH a trooper through all of this craziness and sickness. I am so amazed at the strength and adaptability of this sweet boy. And I am even more amazed at God's provision. We have had so many people (who we barely know!) step up and offer to help in so many ways. We are truly blessed!!!

Love you all, and I promise to keep you updated if we find anything out. I'm heading back to the hospital to check on my husband and hopefully bring him home soon. For now Ben is stable, I am recovering and Hunter is doing wonderful. Praise God!

Love,

B, E & H

The Good, the Bad and the Dirty!

Ok, so I promised you a post about the new house. I was really hoping to have pictures to go along with this, but I have had some horrible flu/cough thing for the past couple days and so I really haven't made much progress as far as cleaning, organizing or taking pictures. Really hoping that it's just a virus and not some nasty mold or fungus infestation in this house!!! Ha!

For ease of reading I think that I will just make lists! Here goes:

SPECS:

2200 sq feet plus a 300 sq foot glassed in porch (awesome!)
7.5 acres of land (double awesome!!!)
huge living room
dining room
den with stone fireplace
decent sized kitchen
big master bedroom
big room for Hunter
two bathrooms (one in the master)
lots of storage
one large room upstairs (guest room/playroom)
one car garage (detached)
shed

THE GOOD:

The house has some really beautiful features such as colorful (gasp!) walls, silver tile backsplash in the kitchen, a beautiful crystal chandelier in the dining room, lots of storage space, tons of windows with beautiful views and super tall ceilings in each room, crystal door knobs on each door AND (after living in a house with white walls for so long) there are colors on my walls! Sage green in the living room, deep red in the den, dark green in the dining room and grey in the bedrooms and bathrooms. Yay!

THE BAD:

The house has so many quirks! Where to start???

The master bathroom has a glassed in shower with full body sprayers (not so bad...). The sprayers spray directly out of the door and there is no way to deactivate them. Therefore, to take a shower you have to get doused with cold water in the face for a minute while you wait for the water to warm up. (I found this out the hard way while cleaning the shower as the movers were here. I ended up soaking wet...)

The second bathroom has a tub, but no shower. Kinda awkward for guests. Especially when you explain that they have to get into a freezing cold spray of water... Anyone want to come visit?!?! :)

The laundry area is in the detached garage. So I get to trudge outside in my jammies to do laundry.  Bet my neighbors think I am awesome! It's certainly a bit of an adjustment, but I keep reminding myself that it is a lot nicer than heading to the laundromat!

The appliances in the kitchen are all super small. My cookie sheets barely fit in the oven and my dinner plates don't fit in the dishwasher. Sigh...

The garage door is about 5'6" high. Neither of our cars fit through the door opening. And Ben hits his head on the door. So weird! Same thing with the shed/carport. Although it is actually even shorter and I almost have to duck to get under there. Which is certainly saying something!

Only three areas in the house have overhead lighting; the kitchen, the hallway and the bathrooms. So there are a LOT of lamps in our house!

None of the windows in the house open up. The two in the living room that do open aren't weighted properly and so they slam shut as soon as you let them go. Guess I could be SUPER redneck and put a block of wood under them? All of the other windows either never opened up or have been long since painted shut. However, the windows in the glass porch do open up so that's a big perk :)


Sooooo.... that's our crazy house in a nutshell! I'm still battling all of the dirt and every time I feel like I might be almost done cleaning I find some other craziness that needs to be scrubbed (like when I tried to open the windows that slam shut and found hordes of dead bugs and an old wasp's nest IN the windows!) Really, the house is beautiful and I can't wait to finish putting all our stuff away so I can see it finalized. It seems so much bigger than our last place, and now that I'm nearly done cleaning it I can appreciate a lot of the beauty of it. It's certainly not new or sparkly, but there is something charming about an old house with character. And, let's be honest, the acreage doesn't hurt either! ;)


Love you!

B, E & H

Home is where the Army sends us!

Wow, what a crazy month it has been! I feel like it has all gone by so quickly, but yet looking back it seems like an eternity has passed. Exactly one month ago (on our anniversary, happy anniversary to us!) we watched all our belongings get loaded onto a big truck and started our journey here to Arkansas. It was 7:30 p.m. before we were able to get on the road and we were exhausted, freezing (it had been snowing all day and our back door was open so they could load the truck!) and hungry. Needless to say we didn't make it very far that first night, but it felt good to at least be on our way!

Since it was almost Christmas our plan was to head to IL, see my family and drop off the cats and Ben's truck, then head to OH to see Ben's family, back to IL and finally down to AR. What a trip! We had to take both cars, which meant that we couldn't all ride together. Thank goodness for walkie talkies so we could easily communicate! I think it took us about 4 or 5 days to get to my parents house. We were chasing a storm and ran into some snow, ice, mountains, lots of BEAUTIFUL country, some bald eagles and quite a bit of boring plains as well. By the end we were all pretty anxious to get out of the car, but Hunter was an amazing traveller and the cats did pretty well too. Though it may sound crazy to travel with cats I was actually pretty grateful for them most of the time because they really helped to keep Hunter company. He and Sarge played many rounds of travel CandyLand, but somehow Hunter always won! Ha!

We had a nice Christmas with my family and headed out to OH on Christmas day to spend some time with Ben's family as well. All of his brothers made it home for Christmas and we got to meet our two littlest nephews! So fun to have six sweet little boys around for Christmas! After OH we headed back to IL to spend a little more time with my family before we headed down to AR. It was great to relax for a little bit and NOT be driving for a couple days. Plus, Hunter was able to play with his cousin Lily and he always enjoys some time with his grandparents as well!

On New Year's day we started the trip to Arkadelphia. Let me tell you, we certainly were not very excited to be driving again! I think all in all we were driving for something like 50+ hours and travelled through 10 states, yikes! Anyway, the trip here was fine for a while until late the first day I realized Ben's truck was leaking. Long story short, somehow the line for the transmission fluid developed a leak and by the time we pulled into the hotel it was pouring ATF all over the place. Ben ran to AutoZone that night and found some epoxy to try to fix it enough to drive the remaining four hours to AR. The next morning, while applying the epoxy we discovered that all but ONE of the bolts holding the transmission to the engine block had rattled completely lose! Luckily my amazing hubby had the tools on hand to tighten all the bolts back on and between that and the epoxy (and stopping every 45 minutes or so to add ATF if needed) we limped our way to Arkadelphia. We still don't really know what caused the leak, but it was a miracle since without it we would never have known about the transmission bolts until it was too late! I have never been so grateful for that darned truck leaking!

The day after we got here we contacted a realtor that had a house we wanted to see. I guess I should preface this with the fact that there are really, really slim pickings around here when it comes to rental houses. So honestly, this was the only option! Anyway, we saw the house, signed the lease and had to wait for our stuff to come out of storage. The house is... interesting? I think I will save all of that for another post though because this one is getting a little long winded already! There are certainly some things about this house that I love, and there are some things that I could definitely do without. But isn't that just how life is?

One issue with the house is that it was a disaster. I honestly can't even begin to describe the layers of filth that were in this place other than to tell you that it took me 4.5 hours to get one bathroom to a level of "clean" that at least makes me feel like I won't catch some disease while showering. Normally I have a rule that all of the boxes need to be unpacked in 48 hours so that we can just move on with life. This time it took me a lot longer because I had to scrub and scrub before I would even consider unpacking my stuff into this place. However, it is finally getting closer to being clean and I'm very excited to post some pictures to share with you all when it's finally finished! I think I only have two more rooms to deep clean before I can finally feel at home here. I can't wait!

In the meantime, Hunter started school on Monday and he is loving it. He is now in all-day kindergarten and although it is wearing him out, he is really enjoying his new school and his new teacher. I'm so glad for that! Ben started at work on Tuesday and we are still figuring out what his weeks will actually look like. It seems like he will be doing a bit of work on the weekends (bummer) and then spending a month or so at Fort Lewis this summer as well. He is still just getting settled and now has TWO university ID's to add to his collection of ID's. Heehee. Professor Feicht ;) However, it seems like everyone that he is working with is very nice and that he should enjoy his new job once he gets settled into it! The commute is also great since we are about a 3 minute drive to the university entrance for both schools.

Well, I guess that's all for now. I'll just have to keep y'all in suspense about this house of ours. I have some cleaning to get to while my boys are gone!

Love you all!

B, E & H

Live Your Love Loud

I keep starting this post over and over, trying to find just the right words to say. I think I've finally settled on an approach that is just simple. Short and sweet. Here goes:

We live in a broken, depraved, tragic world. Things happen that are beyond our control. Sad, horrible things.

I have had the honor and privilege of meeting a woman who has seen the face of tragedy and decided to truly make beauty from ashes. I am so humbled by her grace and courage and I am so blessed to have had the opportunity to work with her on this amazing project.

Today we are launching a non-profit in honor of her husband, CW3 Frank Buoniconti. I never had the chance to meet Frank in this world, but he must have been on AMAZING man from the stories that I have heard. Frank had a heart for those who were hurting and broken. Especially for the fatherless. How ironic that his own children would soon be the very ones that he had such a passion for.

Please, please take a moment to check out this website. I am honored to be working with Kryste Buoniconti as her Assistant Director for Live Your Love Loud. She is determined to "take back the 12th" and turn tragedy into triumph.

I think the website speaks for itself in explaining what LYLL is all about, and if you have a moment (and a box of tissues) click on the link to Kryste's blog and read all about her amazing story. And if you are compelled to give we would really appreciate it. Kryste (and I) want to bless the socks off some amazing military families who are adopting.

Live Your Love Loud

This isn't about a sad story, it's about hope. It's about continuing a legacy that Frank left behind.

Please keep this sweet family in your prayers as they go through another difficult day and another difficult holiday season.

Love you all,

Em

Chaos

It has been a busy few weeks since Ben has arrived home. Some of the craziness was expected, some was not. Before I tell you about some of that I first want to say how AMAZING it has been to have Ben back home. Seriously, I am so blessed to have such an incredible husband who is also the world's best daddy! I'm pretty sure that we are all guilty of taking our spouses for granted sometimes but doing life alone for an extended period will certainly remind you of how much you need him/her! Hunter has been beyond thrilled to have his daddy back and all of the reintegration couldn't have gone any smoother. So grateful for that!!! It has been one whole month that he has been home and we have been relishing every moment.

Within a week of Ben arriving back here we received a phone call from our agency about a 6 year old boy who needed a home. We agreed that we would certainly consider taking him if he was legally free. Unfortunately he was not and it was quite a messy situation as he was born and raised in Mexico, brought to WA and then his parents were deported and now he was stuck here in the U.S. as a citizen. I'm telling you, this system is SUCH a mess!!! Anyway, we had to say no since we knew that we would probably be leaving WA before he would be legally free and that would be a lot of trouble for all of us. Little did we know...

The Monday before Thanksgiving Ben got a call from his branch manager. He offered Ben his choice of two positions teaching ROTC (one in Missouri, the other in Arkansas) because he knew that we were really hoping for this particular job. Ben and I talked about it right away and we both agreed that Missouri would be great! So he called and accepted the job. God had other plans for us though and Tuesday we found out that he wasn't going to get that position but the Arkansas one was still available. The ROTC Battalion operates out of University of Central Arkansas which is in Conway, AR and we researched the area and decided that Conway looked wonderful! So we said YES! The paperwork got started and we continued doing research on the area. After a day or so we realized that not only was UCA involved in this ROTC Battalion, but there were three other schools as well. One in Russellville and two in Arkadelphia. We immediately looked at both towns and thought "I sure hope we don't have to go to Arkadelphia." God has such a sense of humor though! And so we are heading to Arkadelphia, Arkansas!

Here's the REALLY crazy part... we are leaving in less than two weeks! Because of the Thanksgiving holiday it took a little while to get Ben's orders and he needs to start the new job in January. We realized that it would actually make the most sense if we just drove home for Christmas on our way to AR so that's what we are doing. It's crazy here. Seriously crazy! We are cleaning, organizing, getting Ben's stuff together so that he can clear post here (i.e. sorting through piles and piles of camo stuff to turn in), tons of paperwork, figuring out how to turn off all the utilities, hold our mail, Christmas shop... the list is endless.

So, we are celebrating Christmas this Saturday, trying to soak up as much time with as many friends as we can and just muddle through this chaos. The packers are scheduled to come on December 17, the truck should hopefully be loaded on the 18th (happy anniversary to us!) and then we will start the LONG drive to Illinois as soon as we can. It is going to be quite the adventure.

I really wish I could write so much more about how all this craziness came to be and some of the incredible connections we have already made in Arkadoo but for right now I need to focus on all the stuff that needs to get done around here. I am so so sad to be leaving behind some of the most amazing friends here in WA, but we are also so excited to see what God has in store for us in AR!

Okay, I'm off to get some stuff done. I will try to post more soon, but no promises!

Love you all, please be praying for us as we get through the next few weeks and the many, many hours of travel that we have coming up. It's going to be a crazy ride and we have never moved before without having a house ahead of time so it's going to be interesting. We are trusting that God will be in all the details, He certainly has been so far!

Love,

B, E & H

P.S. I guess I didn't really mention what we are doing in Arkadelphia, AR! Ben will be an instructor for the ROTC program there teaching level 4 military science to cadets. We are super excited about this job as it's something that he has been wanting to do for a while now. He will also be recruiting for the ROTC program from the local high schools. It's going to be a huge change for us since it's not a military town and we will be living a pretty "civilian" lifestyle, but we are certainly looking forward to it!

Homecoming

 While being a military family is sometimes tough THIS makes every moment worth it!

my handsome little Soldier

waiting for our Soldier

words cannot describe Hunter's excitement at this moment

WELCOME HOME!!!

 

And this is for all my amazing mil spouse friends, grab a tissue and read this:YOU ROCK

Be Anxious for Nothing

I'm really working on taking that to heart. Not being anxious for anything, I mean. Some days are much easier than others! It's been another rough week around here. It amazes me how we are so vunerable to attack when our spouse isn't around.

So that I don't sound like a total complainer I'll give you all a quick highlight of my week before I ask you for prayers for a few things :)

Tuesday morning, while having coffee and chatting with two of my favorite friends, my home phone rang. Which usually means someone soliciting or some annoying political poll. Despite my misgivings I decided to answer it just in case it was my mom or Ben. On the other end of the line I heard a familiar voice that I haven't heard for probably 7 years! It was Brother Ed Phelan, asking if I was free to meet for lunch that very day!!!

Now, if you don't know who I'm talking about (which probably most of you wouldn't!) I'll back up and give you a quick story. After graduating college I joined the LaSallian Volunteers, which was a division of Americorp Volunteers. This meant that in July, after graduation, I moved to the Bronx, NY to live with three De LaSalle Christian Brothers, and four other volunteers. We all lived in this big, beautiful old Victorian style house right in the Bronx and worked at various places in NYC. A couple of the volunteers worked at the Christian Brothers high school because they had teaching degrees, I worked at Highbridge Community Life Center with Br. Ed. At Highbridge I had two jobs; I was the assistant to the executive director (Br. Ed himself!) and after 3:00 I went over to help with the after school program where I tutored and worked with 1st-3rd grade underprivileged students. It was an AMAZING experience both living in a community as well as working at Highbridge. I still claim that I was the only blonde in the Bronx.

Anyway, Br. Ed was my boss and he was also my house mate so he was a large part of my life in the Bronx. All eight of my house mates made it out to our wedding and after Ben and I got married we made it out to NYC to visit once, but that was in the first year of our marriage and it was the last time that I spoke to Br. Ed other than email. So to hear his voice was quite a surprise! And the best part is that I was actually free to have lunch with him!!!

We met and had a couple minutes before I had to drop Hunter off at school. Then Br. Ed and I sat down at my favorite local restaurant and chatted for hours. Literally. Seven years is a long time to have to catch up on! I filled Br. Ed in on all this adoption stuff and he told me about his travels and how not much has really changed in NY. Boy did it make me want to visit the Bronx!

During the course of our conversation and explaining the foster system and adoption and all of that it really became so crystal clear just exactly how broken the system is. I really wish I knew where to start and how to "fix" the system. The problem is that I really don't think that there is a way. Where human nature is involved things are just messy. And there is no way that you can write laws and create a system that allows for each individual case to be considered in the way that it should be. And unfortunately that puts a lot of the decision making into the hands of the social workers and judges who become so desensitized to all of it. It's so hard to determine when to keep giving the birth parents more and more chances, and when to just cut ties and allow the child to become legally free. I'm glad that I don't have to be the one responsible for those decisions. Of course it would be wonderful to see the birth parents solve whatever issue was keeping them from successfully parenting and see each child returned to their parents. That would be amazing. However, it is seldom the case that it happens that way. Instead the children are bounced around through the system for years and years and by the time the decision is finally made to legally free the child from the birth parents the child is 12 or older and has a much greater chance of aging out of the system than being adopted. Heart breaking. Really.

So, please be praying for opportunities for us to make a change. I don't yet know how. Or what exactly it will look like. But I do know that this isn't right. It's not fair to the children. And that's the greatest concern.

I'll get off my soapbox now and just say that it was such an awesome surprise to get to visit with an old friend! Especially when it was so unexpected! Truly a blessing.

Like I said before, I have still been feeling so attacked. This week nothing has broken (praise Jesus!) but so far it has been just as crazy! I'll spare you all the details and just ask that you be praying. I actually think that I'm handling it all pretty well but I am ready for it to be over. Also please be praying for Ben. He's been super busy and we haven't talked to him in quite a while. I get an occasional short email so I know that he's fine, but he has been really busy and I'm sure he has to be exhausted.

Thank you for the prayers!

Love you all!

B, E & H

Sigh...

Three months. Today makes three months that Ben has been gone. Hopefully just one more! I can't really complain since four months is an amazingly short deployment. Almost a year shorter than the last, ha! But wow, I'm still amazed at how hard it has been and how much chaos has been crammed into these three crazy months since he has been gone.

It's been a bit of a rough week around here. We were super busy, which is usually great because it helps the time pass, but for some reason both Hunter and I have just been really struggling through this week. Our poor neighbors were witnesses to some of it tonight as Hunter had a COMPLETE meltdown when I told him that we were going to go home in a minute. Usually he's totally fine and cooperates with no problem. On a bad night he might whine about it. Tonight, it was a screaming, crying fit that lasted all the way home, up the stairs and commenced with him getting in big trouble. Not exactly the way that I wanted to end a nice evening with friends. Sigh...

I have to admit that I kinda understand his feelings because I often feel the same way. All these emotions just get stuck inside and then you reach this tipping point where one little (usually completely unrelated) thing sets you off into a crying, screaming mess. All week Hunter has been extra sensitive about missing his daddy. I don't know why this week is worse than last, or if he heard or thought of something that has got him upset, but it has been a constant battle for him this week. Take yesterday for example. I was co-hosting a baby shower for a dear friend and Hunter was invited to hang out with the men and kids from our small group. They went to Cabela's, played arcade games and had lunch at Panera (Hunter's choice!). He had a great time and I am so blessed to have men that are willing to invest time in Hunter while Ben is away. As soon as I got home Hunter asked to go to the park to play football. I quickly changed out of high heels and into tennis shoes and we went to the park. About 2 minutes into our football game Hunter sat down in the grass and put his head in his hands. I went over and asked him what was wrong. "I miss daddy." Again, sigh... Mom's can't play football like dad can.

That's just one example of how the whole week has gone. And it's wearing on me too. Boy is it tough to be a parent. And man is it ever tough to be both parents! What a reminder of the beautiful thing that God has created in marriage. And to any of you who are a single parent for any reason, YOU ROCK.

One thing that has really been impressed upon me over and over this week is that I am so grateful that God knows what is best for us. I don't know how I would have made it through with another child, especially one that had some issues of his own. What a beautiful mess we live in.

The other thing that I keep realizing is exactly how blessed I really am. I am so blessed to have a husband who is so amazing. I'm so blessed that he is a wonderful father to our son and that Hunter can't wait to have his daddy back home with him. I am so blessed to be surrounded by the most amazing people who love on us and are willing to take care of us even when we aren't lovely. I am so blessed in so many, many countless ways. I don't want to let the tough times overshadow the blessings. I want to take the hard days and use them to make the blessings shine.

Please keep praying for all of us, that Hunter's little heart doesn't hurt so much. That Ben is home safely, and soon.

We love you all,

B, E & H

So glad that I'm not in charge

A couple of days ago I received a call from our social worker with our agency. I wasn't able to answer right away since I was dropping Hunter off at school, but my initial reaction when I saw her number appear on my phone was one of complete frustration. Luckily for her I had a few minutes to gather my thoughts on the drive home before I returned her call. I hate to admit that I immediately became defensive upon seeing her number on my cell, but it has been over a month since we last were in contact and in my opinion that is too long! However, I called her back and had a decent conversation about how and why everything fell apart with V.

In the course of our conversation a few interesting things came up. First, I was able to voice my frustration with one particular person involved in the case. Turns out that this person had also managed to step on the toes of my agency as well. So, we discussed where to go from here and my worker should be getting back with me regarding someone who I can file a complaint with. My goal is not necessarily to get this person in trouble, but I just don't want any other families to be treated the way that we were treated.

My SW also asked me if we wanted to be put back on the list as an eligible family. First, I didn't know that we weren't on the list, but I guess that's okay since I really don't want to go through that again with Ben gone. We had a very frank discussion about how to proceed, but the answer is honestly that I just don't know. Here is what I do know right now:

-Ben will get home sometime next month. I do not want to bring a child into our home before Ben gets back. Also, there is a period of reintegration after Ben's homecoming which I want to get through before we consider adding another family member. We also bought tickets to go home for Christmas so we really can't take a child until after the new year.
-We have no idea if/when we will be moving. Ben has recieved some conflicting information regarding this which means we could be moving anytime from about February on. Again, not great news for adopting.
-Washington state requires that the child live with us for a minimum of 6 months before we can finalize an adoption.
-A new (interesting?) fact that I found out is that IF we have a child placed with us and get orders to move we can request that the state allow us to take the child with us. However, this scares me. The few times we have tried to do something "out of the ordinary" so far it hasn't worked out well. So while this is good information to know, it's not something that I want to count on. The state could certainly deny our request and then we could be right back where we are now. While we will store this information, for right now we don't really feel like it's something that we want to intentionally do.

So, what does all this mean? I'm glad you asked!

True to self, it means that I begin freaking out, wondering what in the world we are supposed to do. It seems almost impossible that we will be able to adopt in WA, but there is a very good chance that our next move (or possibly even the next two moves) will be for fairly short periods of time since one of those should involve an Army school that is about a year long. With my mind whirring I quickly realized that the bottom line is that it will most likely be years before we can actually adopt. So naturally, I panic. Which mostly means that I start sending frantic emails to Ben (in hindsight I bet he actually is glad that he isn't here sometimes because the worst I can do is email him right now! ha!)

A while back (months ago actually) I impulsively bought a book that has been sitting on my nightstand ever since. After finishing a series and really mostly because I had nothing else to read I grabbed this book and dove in. Oh. My. Goodness. As usual God met me right where I was at, right in the moment that I needed a big flashing neon sign telling me to just slow down and sit. Line after line, scripture after scripture this amazing book was laying out everything that I needed to hear at the very moment that I was most open to it. I'm trying to resist copying sections of the book for you to see what I mean, but the overall point is this: We are created to be a part of God's plan. We can not mess this up. We are called to wait on Him and enjoy his peace and joy. God does not need us to meddle in His plans. He does not need us to accomplish His purposes in our lives. We are to sit back and wait for his guidance.

See what I mean???

I confess that I am only halfway through the book, but this is GOOD STUFF. I am trying to soak it all in. And I'm pretty sure that when I finish it I will open it right back up to the beginning and read it again just to make sure that I retain a little bit of the wisdom that it contains.

I am so glad to serve this amazing God who daily meets me where I am and gently reminds me who I am. I am a child of God, created by Him. He loves me. And He doesn't expect me to do everything on my own. He will equip me for the things that I am to accomplish. And if I go astray, as I am bound to do, He is a God of second chances. WHAT A MIGHTY GOD WE SERVE!!!

So here I am today. Enjoying a moment of peace and quiet after having three amazing kiddos terrorizing my house this morning. The house is a mess, there are probably a ton of other things I should be doing, but for this moment I am going to bask in the peace and the joy of my Creator. And I know that no matter what happens, if we have the opportunity to add another wonderful child to our family or if we remain a family of three, I am only responsible for answering the call of God when I hear it. The details? Those are all up to Him! (sigh...) What a relief!

Love you all!

B, E & H

P.S. Quick update: The truck seems to be doing okay! The tire is holding air and it has been consistently starting up. YAY! The washing machine also seems to be holding up too. Ben's computer seems to pretty much be dead, but we will deal with that when he gets back. The grass is also dead, so the lawnmower can wait until springtime. And thank you for your prayers because nothing else has broken! Thank God for miracles!

Our new normal

So now that life has calmed down from all the craziness of the summer and school has started I'm struggling to find "normal" again. In some ways I feel like everything we have just gone through has sort of shaken my world so much that I just can't seem to settle back into a routine. It's really difficult to explain, but I guess I just sort of feel like there is now good way to go through something big and emotionally draining like that and not come out as a different person. That's kind of where I'm at now. Just trying to discover exactly who I am, what I am supposed to be doing with my life.

A year ago I imagined that by now we would have added at least one more child to our family. It's almost surreal to me that I have been doing this blog thing for 14 months now. When I started chronicling our journey this way it was mostly because we had a feeling that we were heading toward adoption. Now I honestly have no idea where we are heading, but as usual I am going to try to enjoy this crazy ride.

It's been a challenging couple of weeks around here. Thank goodness, not challenging in the way that this adoption business has been challenging. I don't think I could handle much more of that! No, instead I have just been feeling so attacked. Which isn't unusual at all during deployments, but boy am I glad that all of this stuff waited until AFTER the situation with V was over. Praise Jesus for miracles like that!

Anyway, lately it just seems like everything is falling apart. And I do mean that literally. I think that the first thing was that my lawn mower decided not to work. Argh. At least it hasn't rained and the grass is dead and I have the most AWESOME neighbors that took care of one final mowing for me.

Then the truck died. Oh, the truck. Let me preface this by saying that Ben's truck and I have a love-hate relationship. Except that it's mostly just hate. Ha!  But seriously, this truck and I just don't get along very well and so the prospect of caring for it while Ben was gone was quite a daunting task for me. In case you haven't seen this thing, let me try to explain a little better. The truck (a.k.a. Brutus) was once a 1999 Toyota 4runner. Now it's part 4runner, part monster truck and mostly a big pain that requires a whole lotta maintenance. I've been taking Brutus for a drive once a week just to keep him running and all of that. When I went to drive him a week or two ago he didn't start. At all. It's times like this that I am so grateful that Ben has learned so much about vehicles and my dad is a guru as well. After running some diagnostics (and feeling quite impressed with myself that I could test the alternator, check for shorts in the wires AND replace and recharge the battery) I still had no idea. Let me also mention that in order to even open the hood I have to get up on the ladder. Pretty sure my neighbors all think that I am nuts since I have been standing on a ladder, rummaging under the hood of this crazy truck for the past week or so. After mustering up all my vehicle knowledge I convinced Autozone to replace the battery for me since it is under warranty still. So far it seems that fixed the problem. Woohoo!

Next it was the washing machine. It's making crazy noises. One swift kick and the noises miraculously stopped! Yay! Me - 1, Washing Machine - 0. I'm hoping that it was just unbalanced and will remain better now. I guess only time will tell!

Then Ben's computer crashed. Completely dead. So now we have to use calling cards to talk, or he can go and use the phones that the Army provides, but you only get 10 minutes and it just makes it hard to even talk when you're just waiting for the little voice to come on and say, "this call will end in 30 seconds." We knew his computer was having some issues but we were really hoping that it would just hang on through this deployment. Sigh...

Imagine my surprise when I pulled out of my driveway this afternoon and noticed that Brutus had a super flat tire. Really, the truck hates me. This evening I managed to get it filled up to about 15 psi and tomorrow I will see if it has held any of the air. If it has I'll fight with it to see if I can get it to fill up the rest of the way. I have no idea what was going on with it tonight but the air compressor seemed to be running on fumes (which is impossible since it's electric!)

I can't wait to see what surprises are in store for me next week!

Sometimes it's really hard being the one who has to take care of everything while Ben is away. Oh, who am I kidding, it's ALWAYS hard. I can't wait for my hubby to get back. I'm sure things break just as often when he's here but it just somehow seems so much more manageable when I'm not the only one who can take care of it.

And just so you don't think that I'm completely whining, let me wrap this up by saying that I love this life. It's a mess, and it's hard, but I wouldn't trade it for the world. I am so incredibly proud of my husband and what he does. He is amazing and I am so proud to be an Army wife! It is an honor to serve beside him and I wouldn't want it any other way! HOOAH!

Love you all!

B, E & H

P.S. I should have also mentioned that I am sooooooooo grateful for the opportunity to miss my hubby and to really appreciate what he does for our family! Love that man!!!

Where does the time go?

Well friends, since my last post we have just been muddling through life, trying to enjoy everything that we can and count down the days until my sweet hubby gets to be back home with us! It's hard to believe that it has only been two months since he left. The past couple of months have felt like an eternity. I am so incredibly grateful that this is only a 4 month deployment, I don't think that my heart could handle much more than that.

One thing that I am grateful during this time is that it has really been such a time for growth, both for Ben and I. We certainly have been tried and tested and I feel like I have come away from all of this as a much stronger person. That's not to say that I would like to do it over, but at least I can see that there has been a positive change. One thing that I really have been thinking about the past few days is that this has helped me to get over myself (so to speak). Oh, that's not to say that I won't have plenty of selfish moments still. We are all human and it's so natural for us to be self-absorbed. But what I mean is that this has helped me to really see beyond my own little world into the world of those around me. Yes, this has been a difficult season. Yes, I wish my husband was home and that this sweet child were a part of our family. BUT, it could be worse. It could always be worse. And I am so overjoyed to know that there is hope for a future with no suffering. I long for heaven in a way that I have never longed for it before.

Part of this realization is also a friendship that I have developed over the past few months. Really, I can't chalk this up to anything other than divine intervention. Hunter and I were at the park about a month before Ben deployed and Hunter began playing with a couple other little boys there. The mother of these boys struck up a conversation with me (I had already noticed that she was wearing an adoption shirt) and through the course of that conversation I found out that she was the widow of one of the helicopter pilots that was killed here at Fort Lewis in December of this year. That particular night Ben's Company had been the responders that helped secure the crash site, so although I didn't know what was happening that night, I had been praying for her family from the time that Ben got a call, threw on his uniform and disappeared out the front door. This family had just finalized an adoption of a little boy with some severe medical issues and days later lost their father. Wow. Anyway, the point of telling you this is that she has been such an inspiration to me. It's really hard to feel sorry for yourself over something like my own experience when clearly it is trivial compared to a loss like theirs. Which is not to say that she is in anyway asking for pity. Oh, no! It's quite the opposite. Instead she is choosing to do just what I have been wanting so badly. She is creating beauty out of those ashes and she is using her story to help others. I am so honored to be helping her do this and I would love if you would join us as well. The organization that she is starting is called LiveYourLoveLoud and the mission is basically just to help those who can't help themselves - specifically widows and orphans. We are still working out kinks and trying to figure out how to get a webpage going, etc but for this month the funds raised will go toward putting a roof on a clinic in Bugabo, Africa. If you would be interested in helping do this please check out my friend's blog (and read her story while you are there. She is an AMAZING writer!) Here's the link: Holding Fast

Thank you for all the support you have given us so far. Honestly, it has been just amazing to have so many people behind us. It makes all the difference in the world.

Now, if you'll excuse me I have to tend to a dead truck. I tell ya, if it's not one thing it's another around here! At least the truck had the decency to wait to die until life had become a little calmer. Ha!

Oh, and one more thing! Here's a little "kindergarten cuteness" for you!

Love,
B, E & H

 

Hard things

This morning, while I was talking to Ben on my cell phone, the house phone rang. Usually it's just some sort of advertisement or my university trying to coerce me into signing up for more classes (seriously, they called every day for a week and when I tried to sign up we discovered that none of the classes offered in the obscure mid-semester that they were trying to recruit me for fit into my line of study, sheesh!) so I decided to ignore the phone under the assumption that if it was someone important they would leave a message. Besides, talking to my hubby is pretty darn important!

Naturally, it was the CASA (court appointed special advocate) wanting to talk about V. You know, it has been a full month since anyone has called me about him? I digress... After I got off the phone with Ben I called her back right away to see what she needed although I already had a pretty good idea what she was about to ask. She wanted to know if we would consider taking V in and waiting out this situation.

It's times like this that I am extraordinarily grateful that Ben and I have been able to talk a lot during this deployment. Because of his job and because communications are getting a lot better we have been able to chat almost daily and it has been such a lifesaver since there has been so much craziness since he left. We had anticipated this call coming at some point so we had already talked through what we should do if/when it happened. Boy am I grateful for that. But, it sure didn't make it any easier.

I had to say no.

Trust me, I wanted to say yes. But there are soooooooooo many variables in this case that just make it so messy and so difficult. First, we said from the beginning that we wanted no part in dealing with "the state" and "the system." It was never our desire to fight to take a child from their parents. We wanted it to be cleaner than that and we wanted a child who had already been legally freed from any and all parental ties. That was not all what we were dealing with here. Instead we had numerous people fighting to gain control of this child and it sure was messy. Another huge red flag is the timeline. There is a very very small chance that things could go to court next month, parent's rights could be terminated and we could finalize an adoption six months after that. However, there is a very real possibility that this could continue to drag out for many more months and that we could end up moving before we ever had a chance to even talk about adoption. I don't see how that scenario could possibly be a benefit to any of us involved. Finally, this is so much harder to do alone than I ever imagined it would be. I've been a single parent before, but I've never been a single parent to a child that I don't know how to parent. Being a parent is the hardest job I have ever done, but doing it alone makes it so much harder. And parenting a child with special needs and traumas... wow. The combination was far more difficult than I thought it would be and I just don't know if I can do it for a couple of months alone. Plus, trying to bring in another parent and going through all of that adjustment will also make things difficult. Because of all of these things and many more we agreed that until V is legally free and Ben is home we can't say yes to taking him, or any other child, into our home.

Please understand that this decision has been meticulously thought through, prayed over and reevaluated numerous times. That doesn't mean that it was easy for me to say no. I've been pretty distraught over it all morning and more than anything I wish I could talk to Ben about it. It is so hard to turn down something that we have desired for so long now, but I know that it was the right decision for all of us. This situation was not a positive situation for V, for Hunter, for Ben and I... Now I am praying that God will put V into an amazing home and that he will have the opportunity to be loved and feel wanted and go on to do great things. It breaks my heart to know that we will probably never know what happens to him. Wow. But I know that his journey isn't over, and neither is ours.

I'm still content. Sad, but content. God has great plans for us and for V. I hope that you can understand our decision, and if not, please trust that we did not make this decision lightly.

'For I know the plans that I have for you,' declares the LORD, 

'plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope. 

Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. 

And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart.'

Jeremiah 29:11-13

I'm clinging to the hope and future that God has for us. This situation felt much more like calamity than it felt like hope. I want to rest in God and rest in His hope.

Love you all,

B, E & H

Contentment

Here's a confession. I am one of those people. You know the ones I'm talking about. The ones that are always trying to be perfect, control freak, over-achieve at everything, never satisfied with anything. That's me.

Here's another confession... I don't want to be like that anymore. It's amazing how much this incredibly crazy journey toward adoption has changed my view of life in general. In many ways I don't even feel like the same person that started this ride 18 months ago. There have been soooooooooo many lessons that Ben and I have both learned along the way, but the biggest lesson, the one that I needed so desperately is this:

BE CONTENT

Not just settle for whatever you are handed. Not just make due with what you have been given. No. Instead, really, truly, with every fiber of your being learn to embrace and love the life that you have been given. 

We have made so many mistakes along this road so far, but the mistake that we need to correct the most is that we need to be content. Stop searching for something that will "fill a void" or "make us complete." We already have that. Christ has already given us everything we could ever ask for. We need to set aside all selfishness and greed and rest in His abundance which He pours out for us daily. What a concept, huh?

I had already been mulling over this idea when lo and behold our pastor preached an entire sermon today on this very topic. God sure knows how to meet us right where we are. A few things that were said today really caught my attention and I would love to pass them along to you. First, discontentment is about ignoring the beauty of what you do have while fixating on what you don't have. Ouch! My mind is racing back through all of my thoughts, actions, blog posts... I am pretty certain that I have not done very well at this. I am so incredibly blessed with an amazing, heroic, selfless husband and the most adorable, caring son. We have a wonderful marriage and lack for nothing. And yet, here I am focusing on the fact that we would love to bring another child in to our home (certainly not a crime) while completely overlooking the beautiful family that God has so graciously provided me with. What a reality check. My desire to grow our family is in no way wrong, but the way that I was viewing what I had been given already was completely out of line.

A second thing that really struck a chord with me is that contentment is learned. Now stick with me here for a moment. Can it be true? Are we really naturally discontent? I'd have to say that the answer (unfortunately!) is yes! Wow. It's so sad that here we live in the richest country in the world, and have so much and yet we find ourselves always wanting more and more. I want to break out of that. I want to learn to be content with what I have. I want to learn the secret of being content in any situation, no matter how bleak the outcome may look.

Finally, contentment is not a lack of ambition. There is a difference between laziness and contentment. Laziness is apathy toward your situation. Contentment is finding the joy in what you have. There is room to be excited, to be ambitious, but yet be content.

So, what now? For me, the answer is just enjoy life. I want to relish every moment I have with my family. I want to spend more time playing with Hunter. I want to go on dates with my husband and not talk about the future, or adoption, but just enjoy being together and living in the moment. I want to know what true contentment feels like. Want to know what the most encouraging thing about contentment is? The thing that really gets me excited? Being content gives me permission to give God all the control and know that He is good and he will take care of me. It lets me break out of the mindset that I have to be perfect. Instead, I can rest in His perfection. Oh happy day!!!

It's funny. You'd think that after all of the craziness that we have gone through in the past couple months that I would be at a peak of discontentment, but I'm not. At first I was pretty discouraged, but strangely that discouragement slowly morphed into a newfound freedom and excitement. A sense that for the first time in a long time I could focus on what I enjoy and what makes me happy. Now that I didn't have to focus on paperwork, reading books on how to care for children who have been broken down by the world, frantically finishing up classes, juggling social workers, you get the idea... Now that I was relieved of some of that I felt free to be myself and for the first time in a long time I felt content. I'm excited to see what God has in store for us next!

I have no idea what the future will hold. I don't know if we will have to move shortly after Ben gets back from Afghanistan, I don't know if and when we will be adding more kids into our family. I don't even know what we are having for dinner tomorrow! But I do know this much: God is good. And I can rely on Him no matter what happens. This, and this alone, is what makes me content.

Love you all,

B, E & H

I have learned that in whatever situation I am to be content. 

I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. 

In any and every circumstance,

 I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, 

abundance and need. 

I can do all things through him who strengthens me.

Phillipians 4:11b-13

Picking up the pieces

So, while "officially" I am still being told by my agency that we are a the prospective adoptive family for V, I have plenty of unofficial information saying otherwise. It is unbelievably frustrating to know that somewhere there is a major miscommunication and I don't know how to fix it. I'm hoping that it's unintentional, but it's kind of difficult to believe how that could be. So, while I'm waiting for that to get sorted out I have been making strides to move forward with life as "normal." Whatever that is.

Today Hunter and I did some major cleaning and organizing and one of our big projects was to put away all of the clothes and stuff that I had taken out for V. We took down V's library reading chart and cleaned his toys out of the cubby in his bunk bed. It was so sad to put it all away, but yet I really needed to take down a lot of those little reminders of what we don't have so that I can keep focusing on what we do have.

Trying to focus on the present has been a struggle for me (I can't help it! I always want to hurry along to the next big thing) but it has been a rewarding struggle so far. On Friday I promised Hunter that we would spend a few hours together, just him and I. I put the phone down and didn't answer a single call or text. Hunter wanted to pull out a science kit that he had gotten for Christmas and we did all sorts of great little experiments together (only my kid, right?). But the best part was just spending time with this incredible little boy that I am so blessed to call my own! It has been far too long since I have just sat down and enjoyed being with him. I really need to do that more. And if you are a parent, you probably should as well! These kids grow up so quickly and I don't want to miss anymore of these precious moments.

Hunter starts kindergarten on Thursday (eek!!!) so we have been scrambling to get all of his stuff together. I just found out that he will have afternoon class, and while I'm a little disappointed it will be just fine. I'm quickly filling up my time with lots of volunteer work which makes my heart so happy. With all of the craziness of the adoption world I hadn't felt comfortable signing up for something that I knew I wouldn't be able to fully commit to. Now I have some freedom and I am so excited to be able to give my time to things that I believe in! I'm the new treasurer for the brigade FRG (family readiness group), helping out with AWANA, thinking about doing PTA, maybe taking another class and hopefully helping a friend launch a non-profit in honor of her husband. And I'm sure that there is more to come! It feels good to finally feel a little freedom in my ability to jump in and do some stuff like that. For the past couple years it has felt like my life has been on hold while we waited to see what would happen next, but now I have to admit that there is finally a little bit of light at the end of this tunnel. And I can't wait to see where it will lead!

That's life in a nutshell right now. Confusion, chaos, sadness and some hope. Thank God for the hope.

 We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. 

It enters the inner sanctuary behind the curtain,  

where our forerunner, Jesus, has entered on our behalf. 

Hebrews 6:19-20a

Love,

B, E & H

Uncertainty

Well... I've been putting off writing a post in hopes that I would have a little more information to update you all with, but right now it seems that is asking for too much so I'll just have to tell you what I know and leave it at that. I also wanted to wait because I didn't want to write anything that I may regret saying later, so I needed a little time to sort through all of my feelings and emotions on everything happening before I could say it publicly.

First, I have to admit that I truly have NO IDEA what is going on. I'm getting conflicting stories from different people, and the only person who can answer my questions hasn't returned my phone calls. I guess the last time I wrote it seemed like things were up in the air, but not impossible. They are beginning to look pretty impossible now. Which is heartbreaking, and so incredibly frustrating in so many ways. First, it sounds like V's foster family is probably going to move him into another home. I don't know if this home would be a potential adoptive family or just another foster home with no intentions of adopting him if and when that time came. Either way, it sounds like there will be a minimum 6-9 month period for the state to sort out some of the things that have come up lately and that really makes it almost impossible for us to take V. We have really thought it through and we just don't feel at all comfortable moving him into our home until we have a little more guidance on what will happen in this situation. We never intended to be foster parents, and if we had any idea that things would go the way they have we would have never even asked to meet V. It's all so complicated and so hard to explain, but our intent was to bring a child into our home and call him/her OURS. All of the preparation we have done was with that mindset, and we have prepped Hunter with the same mindset. He already is referring to V as his "brother" and it absolutely breaks my heart. I can't put him through the pain of bringing V into our home and then having him taken away either by the state or by the Army moving our family before we are able to adopt him.

So right now all we can do is wait. I'm not sure what we are waiting for and I have to admit that it is absolutely tearing me up inside. Honestly, I can't hardly think about it for more than a few minutes before I have to move on to something else because it is just so stinkin' difficult! I'm sad, angry, heart-broken, frustrated, upset and generally just sick over this whole situation. I feel like I have so much to say, but I don't even know how to say it all. I keep hoping for someone to give me some sort of clue as to what is going on with this case and what my role is, but no one seems to know or at least they certainly aren't sharing any information with me if they do know.

There are a few things that I do know right now and that's all I can cling to. First, I know that I absolutely can not take another child into our home while Ben is gone. I thought I could do it. I really wanted to do it. I wanted to be so strong, but I'm just not strong enough. This has absolutely been one of the most difficult times in my life and I just can't do it again. Going into this adoption thing, I knew it would be difficult. I prepared myself for so many different things, but the one thing that I did not prepare for was taking a child in and having that torn from us. From the very beginning we said that we only wanted to consider children who were already legally free, and this was exactly why.  I really wish I were stronger, but I just can't go through this again, not alone. Hunter is still crying over missing his daddy (and I honestly don't expect that to change until Ben is back home) and I just can't stomach the thought of tearing a sibling away from him too. Not to mention the fact that I need a shoulder to lean on as well. We have the most amazing friends and family supporting us, but when things are going horribly here at home it would be so wonderful to know that my husband will be home soon so I can have a break, or at least be able to walk away for a minute and know that things are still under control. So, for right now we are just going to wait this case out, but I can't even begin to think about taking in yet another child.

Second, we know that God still wants to use us, but we are choosing to be content to let God start directing our paths. We will sit back and be obedient, but we are not going to keep chasing after things. This has been one heck of a lesson to learn, and a super painful one too. Ben described it very well when he said that he feels like we have broken noses from the door slamming in our faces so many times. Most of you may not know it, but V is the 6th, yes SIXTH, child that we have very seriously considered bringing into our family. And of those six children we have not turned down one. Each child has been placed into another family or the parent chose not to give the child up for adoption after all. It has been a very painful process and it's time for us to start focusing on the bigger picture. Each time we start to consider a child it seems that child consumes our lives for a period of time. It's all we talk about, all we plan for... quite honestly, it's not healthy! Every spare moment of our time is committed to a child that isn't ours and that never receives any of the benefits of all of our worry and care, and it's time for that to change. I feel like we have missed large chunks of the past 18 months of our lives as we have allowed so much of them to revolve around this adoption process. We really want to start focusing on the bigger picture, start doing something that will actually make a difference here and now. And we are praying that God will honor that commitment to helping those around us and the rest will fall into place. Does this mean that we won't be adopting? Absolutely not! We would still love to adopt, but it does mean that we are going to make a conscious choice to start living in the moment and stop looking to the future. The stories that glorify God aren't the ones that we do, they are the ones that HE does. So we want to watch God work and move and simply be obedient to His call when we need to be. If and when God chooses a child for our family we will be ready to say "YES!!!"

I'm sure that is enough for you to have to read for right now. I feel like there is so much more to say, but I'm not even sure how to say it all. Please keep praying for us, especially for Hunter as he doesn't seem to understand that we don't know if we will get to see V again. Every time I open Hunter's closet it hurts me to see the clothes that I hung in there for V. And Hunter is still sleeping on the top bunk of bunk beds that are completely pointless with just one child in them. There are so many daily reminders of what we don't have, and it really does hurt. I don't know what God has in store for us. I really don't. But I have to keep trusting that God is good. He is. And He loves us and knows what we need even if we don't yet know it.

We really appreciate all of your love and prayers,

B, E & H