This post has been a long time coming, but it's one of those things that no one *really* wants to talk about. However, as we get closer and closer to getting a placement it is something that Ben and I want to make sure that everyone understands. We figured that if we talk about it a little early it will give all of our friends and family a little time to digest all of this information, ask all the questions that they want to ask, and get a better understanding of the issue before there are children involved.
Please know that we have done a LOT of research on this topic, and that we are continuing to research and so we may change our minds, revise our plan, etc. None of this is meant to hurt anyone, but we really want to do what is best for our child/ren and what will benefit them the most in the long run. I have been reading books, blogs, watching DVDs that our agency has provided and prayed long and hard about what will be best for our family and our child/ren. This is not just some crazy idea that we have come up with, it's something that all adoptive families have (or should!) think about. Now, that doesn't mean that there is any perfect way to deal with attachment and bonding. There are so many variables, and each family has to consider what is best for them and their child! So please, if you are adopting or know someone who has adopted or is in the process, don't think that our way is the only way! We know people who have done very different things with their adopted children and we recognize that there isn't a *right* way to deal with all of this.
To start, I want to explain a little bit about attachment and bonding. First, they are very different things. Bonding is something that happens quickly - it can happen immediately, or take a few weeks or maybe even more - but a bond is simply that human connection that we have with each other. We all bond with many other people in our lives such as family and friends, and these bonds are important. However, a bond is not the same thing as attachment. Attachment is a much more significant bond which takes a longer time to establish. Attachment can take weeks, or even years, to solidify. Most people only have a very few other people in their lives who they are "attached" to. This is a deep bond, most often between a parent and child, or between spouses. Both of these types of bonds are critical to families, and especially to a newly formed family.
The children who are in the foster system are there for various reasons, which I won't go into right now, but the bottom line is that each child in the system has biological parents. Most of the children that are in the age range that we are looking at will probably have lived with their bio parents for a decent portion of their lives. Regardless of how the children were treated by that parent (and not all of them were neglected or abused, many of the parents have addictions and such that keep them from being able to care for their children) there is still an important attachment between the child and their parent (or whomever had been caring for the child). It is difficult to understand, but many children are fiercely loyal to their parent even though it is clear to the state and to anyone else viewing the relationship that it is not to the child's benefit to stay with that parent. It's the same type of thing that you often see with women who are being abused by their husband; they are loyal to him even though the relationship is not beneficial at all. Anyway, what I am getting at is that the children in the system often genuinely love their caregiver despite the family history.
Because of this, it is entirely common for children to actually be in mourning both when the enter the foster system (or orphanage if that is the case) as well as when the are introduced into the home of their forever family. Interestingly, research has shown that this is true both for older children as well as newborns. So, while for our family it will be a joyous time as we welcome our new child/ren, there is a deep sense of loss and sadness for the child because they are losing the only family that he/she has ever known.
Of course, all of this is dependent on so many factors such as the child's age, time spent in the foster system, etc., but overall this is an idea of what we are expecting. Even if a child has been in the foster system for a long period of time it is possible that he/she may be mourning the loss of their previous foster family as well as the loss of hope. I imagine that for many children in the system there is a sense of hope that mom or dad will get better and be able to bring the child back home. Often this does happen and the parent relapses again. All of this is stuff that the child will have been dealing with and will still be dealing with as they enter our home. Can you even begin to imagine the confusion? So far in this child's life nothing has been permanent. Everyone has left them in some capacity. There are some significant issues with trust, and these all seriously impede the child's ability to form secure and healthy bonds with people.
Although there is a lot more that I want to say about this, I feel like this is probably an overwhelming amount of information for right now! Please understand that we are fully aware of many of the issues that we will be dealing with. They will be TOUGH issues, and they aren't going to disappear quickly. However, we are fully committed to being the loving family that every child deserves. Part of that will involve having a specific, written plan for how we will help our family to bond and form healthy attachments. I'll get into that more in the future.
Thank you for sticking with us through all of this! It has been quite a journey so far, and I'm excited to see where we are headed!!! Right now we are still waiting, and preparing as best as we can. It feels like it has been forever since we sent our fingerprints to the FBI, but it has only been six weeks. We are praying for a miracle (that they will get the results to our agency SOON!) but it can take up to 13 weeks. Argh. Either way we know that God's timing is perfect and He knows what is best for us and for our child/ren!
Oh, and if you want to read more about attachment I came across a blog that is beautifully written that you may enjoy. This family adopted a young boy internationally, so some of it is different from our situation, but it is still applicable and she says it MUCH better than I ever could! Here it is: http://amomentcherished.blogspot.com/2011/02/planning-for-attachment-bonding.html
Love you all!
B, E & H
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