Naturally, it was the CASA (court appointed special advocate) wanting to talk about V. You know, it has been a full month since anyone has called me about him? I digress... After I got off the phone with Ben I called her back right away to see what she needed although I already had a pretty good idea what she was about to ask. She wanted to know if we would consider taking V in and waiting out this situation.
It's times like this that I am extraordinarily grateful that Ben and I have been able to talk a lot during this deployment. Because of his job and because communications are getting a lot better we have been able to chat almost daily and it has been such a lifesaver since there has been so much craziness since he left. We had anticipated this call coming at some point so we had already talked through what we should do if/when it happened. Boy am I grateful for that. But, it sure didn't make it any easier.
I had to say no.
Trust me, I wanted to say yes. But there are soooooooooo many variables in this case that just make it so messy and so difficult. First, we said from the beginning that we wanted no part in dealing with "the state" and "the system." It was never our desire to fight to take a child from their parents. We wanted it to be cleaner than that and we wanted a child who had already been legally freed from any and all parental ties. That was not all what we were dealing with here. Instead we had numerous people fighting to gain control of this child and it sure was messy. Another huge red flag is the timeline. There is a very very small chance that things could go to court next month, parent's rights could be terminated and we could finalize an adoption six months after that. However, there is a very real possibility that this could continue to drag out for many more months and that we could end up moving before we ever had a chance to even talk about adoption. I don't see how that scenario could possibly be a benefit to any of us involved. Finally, this is so much harder to do alone than I ever imagined it would be. I've been a single parent before, but I've never been a single parent to a child that I don't know how to parent. Being a parent is the hardest job I have ever done, but doing it alone makes it so much harder. And parenting a child with special needs and traumas... wow. The combination was far more difficult than I thought it would be and I just don't know if I can do it for a couple of months alone. Plus, trying to bring in another parent and going through all of that adjustment will also make things difficult. Because of all of these things and many more we agreed that until V is legally free and Ben is home we can't say yes to taking him, or any other child, into our home.
Please understand that this decision has been meticulously thought through, prayed over and reevaluated numerous times. That doesn't mean that it was easy for me to say no. I've been pretty distraught over it all morning and more than anything I wish I could talk to Ben about it. It is so hard to turn down something that we have desired for so long now, but I know that it was the right decision for all of us. This situation was not a positive situation for V, for Hunter, for Ben and I... Now I am praying that God will put V into an amazing home and that he will have the opportunity to be loved and feel wanted and go on to do great things. It breaks my heart to know that we will probably never know what happens to him. Wow. But I know that his journey isn't over, and neither is ours.
I'm still content. Sad, but content. God has great plans for us and for V. I hope that you can understand our decision, and if not, please trust that we did not make this decision lightly.
'For I know the plans that I
have for you,' declares the LORD,
'plans for welfare and not for
calamity to give you a future and a hope.
Then you will call upon Me
and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you.
And you will seek Me
and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart.'
Jeremiah 29:11-13
I'm clinging to the hope and future that God has for us. This situation felt much more like calamity than it felt like hope. I want to rest in God and rest in His hope.
Love you all,
B, E & H
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