Uncertainty

Well... I've been putting off writing a post in hopes that I would have a little more information to update you all with, but right now it seems that is asking for too much so I'll just have to tell you what I know and leave it at that. I also wanted to wait because I didn't want to write anything that I may regret saying later, so I needed a little time to sort through all of my feelings and emotions on everything happening before I could say it publicly.

First, I have to admit that I truly have NO IDEA what is going on. I'm getting conflicting stories from different people, and the only person who can answer my questions hasn't returned my phone calls. I guess the last time I wrote it seemed like things were up in the air, but not impossible. They are beginning to look pretty impossible now. Which is heartbreaking, and so incredibly frustrating in so many ways. First, it sounds like V's foster family is probably going to move him into another home. I don't know if this home would be a potential adoptive family or just another foster home with no intentions of adopting him if and when that time came. Either way, it sounds like there will be a minimum 6-9 month period for the state to sort out some of the things that have come up lately and that really makes it almost impossible for us to take V. We have really thought it through and we just don't feel at all comfortable moving him into our home until we have a little more guidance on what will happen in this situation. We never intended to be foster parents, and if we had any idea that things would go the way they have we would have never even asked to meet V. It's all so complicated and so hard to explain, but our intent was to bring a child into our home and call him/her OURS. All of the preparation we have done was with that mindset, and we have prepped Hunter with the same mindset. He already is referring to V as his "brother" and it absolutely breaks my heart. I can't put him through the pain of bringing V into our home and then having him taken away either by the state or by the Army moving our family before we are able to adopt him.

So right now all we can do is wait. I'm not sure what we are waiting for and I have to admit that it is absolutely tearing me up inside. Honestly, I can't hardly think about it for more than a few minutes before I have to move on to something else because it is just so stinkin' difficult! I'm sad, angry, heart-broken, frustrated, upset and generally just sick over this whole situation. I feel like I have so much to say, but I don't even know how to say it all. I keep hoping for someone to give me some sort of clue as to what is going on with this case and what my role is, but no one seems to know or at least they certainly aren't sharing any information with me if they do know.

There are a few things that I do know right now and that's all I can cling to. First, I know that I absolutely can not take another child into our home while Ben is gone. I thought I could do it. I really wanted to do it. I wanted to be so strong, but I'm just not strong enough. This has absolutely been one of the most difficult times in my life and I just can't do it again. Going into this adoption thing, I knew it would be difficult. I prepared myself for so many different things, but the one thing that I did not prepare for was taking a child in and having that torn from us. From the very beginning we said that we only wanted to consider children who were already legally free, and this was exactly why.  I really wish I were stronger, but I just can't go through this again, not alone. Hunter is still crying over missing his daddy (and I honestly don't expect that to change until Ben is back home) and I just can't stomach the thought of tearing a sibling away from him too. Not to mention the fact that I need a shoulder to lean on as well. We have the most amazing friends and family supporting us, but when things are going horribly here at home it would be so wonderful to know that my husband will be home soon so I can have a break, or at least be able to walk away for a minute and know that things are still under control. So, for right now we are just going to wait this case out, but I can't even begin to think about taking in yet another child.

Second, we know that God still wants to use us, but we are choosing to be content to let God start directing our paths. We will sit back and be obedient, but we are not going to keep chasing after things. This has been one heck of a lesson to learn, and a super painful one too. Ben described it very well when he said that he feels like we have broken noses from the door slamming in our faces so many times. Most of you may not know it, but V is the 6th, yes SIXTH, child that we have very seriously considered bringing into our family. And of those six children we have not turned down one. Each child has been placed into another family or the parent chose not to give the child up for adoption after all. It has been a very painful process and it's time for us to start focusing on the bigger picture. Each time we start to consider a child it seems that child consumes our lives for a period of time. It's all we talk about, all we plan for... quite honestly, it's not healthy! Every spare moment of our time is committed to a child that isn't ours and that never receives any of the benefits of all of our worry and care, and it's time for that to change. I feel like we have missed large chunks of the past 18 months of our lives as we have allowed so much of them to revolve around this adoption process. We really want to start focusing on the bigger picture, start doing something that will actually make a difference here and now. And we are praying that God will honor that commitment to helping those around us and the rest will fall into place. Does this mean that we won't be adopting? Absolutely not! We would still love to adopt, but it does mean that we are going to make a conscious choice to start living in the moment and stop looking to the future. The stories that glorify God aren't the ones that we do, they are the ones that HE does. So we want to watch God work and move and simply be obedient to His call when we need to be. If and when God chooses a child for our family we will be ready to say "YES!!!"

I'm sure that is enough for you to have to read for right now. I feel like there is so much more to say, but I'm not even sure how to say it all. Please keep praying for us, especially for Hunter as he doesn't seem to understand that we don't know if we will get to see V again. Every time I open Hunter's closet it hurts me to see the clothes that I hung in there for V. And Hunter is still sleeping on the top bunk of bunk beds that are completely pointless with just one child in them. There are so many daily reminders of what we don't have, and it really does hurt. I don't know what God has in store for us. I really don't. But I have to keep trusting that God is good. He is. And He loves us and knows what we need even if we don't yet know it.

We really appreciate all of your love and prayers,

B, E & H