Adoption is weird. I mean, I absolutely love the idea of it, but it's so weird. When you're pregnant, at least after a certain point, it becomes obvious to everyone that you are preparing to welcome a new child into your life and home. Not so much with adoption. I feel like I'm a walking disaster and there is no obvious explanation for my state of chaos! From the time we found out about this boy to the time that he will move in with us it will only be ONE MONTH. Not nine! I feel like I have pregnancy brain in hyperdrive! And it's causing me to be a mess. I'm clinging to the idea of turning this mess into a beautiful mess, but boy, it sure is hard!
For one, I fluctuate between being so excited and daydreaming of the day that we can walk into the courthouse and sign the adoption paperwork and make this sweet boy ours! And the next moment I am in a sheer panic about the fact that I need to fix a million things, I have no idea how to do any of the paperwork (I'm assuming there is paperwork I need to do...), worrying about whether this child will ever really become ours, trying to build bunk beds, move armoires, move bookshelves, rearrange Hunter's closet... you get the picture. I think the worst part is doing all of it alone. I miss my husband. I need his strength, emotionally and physically! I need to fix a couple things on the bunk beds. Wouldn't be a huge issue if Ben were here, but by myself it's a monumental task. I had to move a huge armoire (complete with a super heavy TV which I dropped on my foot!) which would have been a breeze if Ben were around. All this while processing the craziness of being a single parent to two four year old boys!
Please don't get me wrong. I am soooooooooooo excited that we have FINALLY made it to this point! I absolutely adore this child and I can't believe that he is going to be moving in with us soon. I feel so blessed and happy as well as scared. This is exactly what we have been praying for and I wouldn't change it for the world. I know that in the end this will only help to strengthen me and I am so grateful for that lesson.
I have been barreling through my class work so that I can be prepared for anything that life might throw at me once we begin this transition. So far I have been doing okay, but to be honest, my goal right now is simply to pass the class and be done! Which is sad since I love doing it, but it is definitely not my top priority right now.
Tomorrow Hunter and I are going to get lots of stuff ready and start preparing for our first overnight visit. Tuesday is our first overnight, and from then on we will have him for increasing amounts of time until he "officially" moves in on August 13! I think that I'm still in shock. How incredibly crazy is all of this??? Ben has only been gone for two weeks and I am bringing a new child into our family. I know that this is going to take strength that is so far beyond my meager human capabilities and I am so grateful for a God who loves me enough to bear my burden. I really don't know any other way that we can make it through this crazy life!
I know that I had so many more thoughts bouncing around my mind, but right now I have no idea what they were. Please keep praying for us as we make this transition. Hunter is still having a hard time and is missing his Daddy terribly. The deployment is starting to hit me too, and I don't have time to really process all of those emotions right now. I'm resting in God's all encompassing grace and peace and I know that will be my sustenance right now.
Love to you all!
B, E & H
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