Clinging to my sanity...

Oh, friends! I feel like there is SOOOOOOOOOOOO much to share and I just don't even know where to begin!!! Since I last blogged we had our first overnight visit with "V" (I don't know what the blogging guidelines are and I certainly don't want to compromise anything so for now I will just use V to denote this sweet boy) I wanted to blog that first night, but I have to be honest with you, I just didn't have it in me. We had a good evening together but going to bed was, well, interesting! However, we survived it and I am certainly learning a lot!!!

So, we had V overnight and got to spend the entire day with him the next day. While bedtime was a bit of a disaster (one that reduced me to tears, though right now it just doesn't take much for that to happen) we had a pretty good day the next day. The boys play together so wonderfully, honestly, way better than I would ever have imagined! I know that won't last forever and as they spend more time together they will probably grow tired of one another, but for right now it's so incredible to hear two little boys playing and having fun! We did have a few meltdowns and I am quickly coming to the realization that it is going to take a LOT of patience on my part and a LOT of planning. I think that the biggest thing will be sticking to what I say no matter what. Even if it takes sitting in a friend's bathroom for 20 minutes waiting for V to try going potty before we go home (thank you, Jenny for letting us do that!!!)

He is a fantastic kiddo and we have been soooooooooooo blessed that he has been in the most amazing foster family. Seriously, these people are just incredible and have worked so hard and made so much progress it is awesome. We just couldn't be happier that he has spent the last year and a half with them and that they have loved him as one of their own! We also have an awesome CASA who came this morning and spent a few hours here (did I mention that she is AWESOME???) reading books with Hunter, playing legos, chatting with me... incredible! As for some other key players (who will remain anonymous) we will just say that if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. 'Nough said.

V is with us today and will be here until Monday morning. So far, so good! We have played trains, had snacks and started some banana bread (the boys took turns adding ingredients and stirring, melts my heart!!!) V was pretty sad when he arrived here after his visit with his bio mom, but he perked up after a bit and seems to be totally fine now.

As for what will happen next, we honestly don't know. One week from today I was invited to a meeting with all the social workers, attorneys, bio parents, etc. I'm dreading meeting his mother, just because it is so strange! But who knows if she will even show up. I really don't know what to expect from this meeting but it will be good to see how it goes. From there on out we are either waiting for mom to relinquish her rights or for the court to terminate parental rights. I'm praying for mom to relinquish because it would mean that we could have some contact with her and I really feel like that could be good for V, especailly in the future. However, it's so hard to know what is best and we will just have to wait and see. There is always the chance that a judge could also decide to give mom more time or even increase her visitation, etc. Which of course is really scary, but there really isn't anything we can do about it other than pour into this child and hope that everything will work out for the best for him. I've said it before and I'll say it again: this is not about us. Which is sometimes so hard to remember!

As for me, I'm doing the best I can right now. I will admit that I have had a few moments where I have questioned if I can do this. It certainly isn't how I imagined it. Not that I didn't expect it to be difficult. But when I pictured meeting our future child I imagined that my sweet hubby would be there too. It kills me that he isn't home for all of this. I mean, I could really use the extra help, but more than that it breaks my heart to know that he won't know his own son! I have to keep trusting that God had all of this planned out long before we even knew that we would be doing this and He has it all in His hands. Thankfully I have the MOST AMAZING friends and family who have been so incredibly supportive and helpful so far. I'm hoping that they won't bail on me! I really couldn't do this without all of you checking in on me, offering to take the boys, taking Hunter and I out to dinner, offering to make us dinner, offering to fly out and help, letting me have a total meltdown... the list goes on and on!!! I thank God each and every day for all of you. You really help me feel like I'm not so alone in all of this craziness!!! I still miss my hubby like crazy, and nothing would make me happier than to have him home, but for now I have to be content knowing that all of this will just help me to grow and become a stronger person.

I'm sure there is so much more that I should be sharing with all of you, but the boys are playing nicely and I need to go check on that banana bread and keep working on my 15 page research paper. I can't wait to be done with class so I can focus on these boys!

Love you all, please keep praying!!!

B, E & H (& V!!!)